I’m a much bigger fan of college football, but when I do follow the NFL, the New England Patriots are my team. Naturally, that means that Pats QB Tom Brady is my guy.
Like myself, Tom is a young father of two. So it would be an injustice to humanity to not take this opportunity to see how my coolness stacks up against the popular pro footballer.
1. THE HAIR
As a millionaire professional athlete, TB likely gets his hair cut by a savvy hairstylist with a keen, discerning eye and fleet fingers.
I last got my hair cut by an elderly Italian barber who eyed me suspiciously as if I would bolt out the door when it was time to pay my $10. [-3 cool points]
2. THE FOOTBALL CAREER
TB struggled at first as backup QB at the University of Michigan, but hit his stride in his final years there. In the NFL, he has led the Patriots to three Super Bowl victories and holds a slew of league passing and touchdown records.
During my last football game, I got hurt by a girl. [-4 cool points]
3. THE BLING
From his three victories in The Big Game, Tom has earned three Super bowl rings, each valued at at least $50,000.
On the occasion of my wedding, I consulted a local silver vendor and purchased a ring, valued at at least $5. I’m on my second since I flushed my first wedding ring down the toilet. [-5 cool points]
4. THE WIFE
Tom is married to a modest young Brazilian woman who is up-and-coming in the entertainment world, making her living as a model.
I’m talking about Gisele Bündchen, and when I say model, I mean Victoria’s Secret Angel; and when I say up-and-coming, I mean that she’s languishing as just the 16th richest woman in entertainment; and when I say modest, I am joking. She walks the runway in lingerie. So I’ve heard.
I am married to Cool Mum. [+50 cool points]
NET CHANGE: +38 COOL POINTS
Tom Brady has it all. But the cool thing is: so do I.