Are We Still Cool? » um… ok

Will the Real AWSC Please Stand Up?

Cool Dad — Tue, 24 Apr 2012 15:04:09 +0000

In my years of observation from an outside perspective, it seems that Cool People know about stuff. Like if you mention something, they don’t scratch their heads with a “HUH?” They know what you’re talking about and just nod coolly.

And when Cool People talk to each other, they use cool things like nicknames and acronyms because they know what they’re talking about and don’t have to explain every little thing.

I’ve long touted AWSC as an acronym for this blog, just like a Cool Person would. I doubted there would be any confusion; how many AWSCs could there be? Google gave me the answer: a lot.

Our little blog is basically nowhere to be found in a Google search for ‘AWSC’. Maybe I should jump ship to one of these other AWSC websites.

The top result belongs to the Association of Wisconsin Snowmobile Clubs. Instead of Cool Dad, I’d be Cold Dad. And while I’ve been to Wisconsin numerous times, I’ve never ridden a snowmobile.
The Atlanta Water Ski Club glides in next. As a youth growing up in Central Florida, I tried to water ski many times, only to result in a variety of face plants and butt plants. My shark jumping days were over before they even started.
In third is the Automatic Welding and Supply Corporation. Welding sounds pretty cool! Joining slabs of metal with molten filler material? That’s worth at least 30 cool (or hot) points.
And then we have The American Water Spaniel Club. God-willing, there will never be a Cool Dog. Dogs are nice; I actually played with a few this weekend, but the Cool Bros generate enough poop for us to manage.

Our blog doesn’t appear in the search results until page 9! It looks like we’ll never lay claim to being the true AWSC, but I’ve decided to stay put. As cool as the Automatic Welding and Supply Corporation looks, I don’t like how I look in the mask.

Cool Dad’s Valiant First Try at the Wonderwash [video]

Cool Dad — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 12:59:56 +0000

While Cool Mum roamed Manhattan for her birthday, I wanted to bless her with another gift at home: doing the laundry.

At first I told CM that I would go to the laundromat with the Cool Bros to knock it all out. When I got home, I looked at the two huge bags of dirty clothes, then at Cool Boy, then at Cool Newbie, then at the 1.5 flights of stairs, back at Cool Boy, then Newbie, then at the clock to see if it was time for CM to come home yet.

The task of hauling all of that laundry and All My Children downstairs and a couple of blocks down the street didn’t look so promising. I turned to our old friend, the Wonderwash. It’s the thought that counts, right?

Fortunately, I wasn’t washing any of CM’s favorite light-colored pieces. But if you see CB wearing light blue socks in a video, think of them as CM’s birthday present from me.

Today’s Homeschool Lesson in Math: Mega Millions!

Cool Dad — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 13:39:50 +0000

Cool Boy is only 4 years old, but he’s rocking the kindergarten homeschool curriculum! He’s so advanced that I decided that today’s lesson would be about integers, randomness, and working with a bounded set.

Knowing that our readers are a well-educated bunch, I know that I don’t have to review what integers are, but some of you might need a refresher on what exactly a bounded set is. Heck, I got an A in Calculus III in college, and I still needed Wikipedia’s help to make sure.

A bounded set is a set of real numbers that is bounded from below and above to make a finite interval. For today’s lesson, we defined a bounded set of, say, 56 integers, from 1 to 56.

Then I introduced the concept of randomness into today’s exciting lesson, and I had Cool Boy pick 5 integers out of our bounded set. It was so fun, that we formed another bounded set of 1 to 46, and I had him pick one integer at random!

I can’t wait to go to 7-11 and tell them about all the fun we had in today’s lesson. Enrichment is fun. I already feel like a (or 540) million bucks!

I Almost Peed on the Subway

Cool Dad — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 17:35:13 +0000

Before every outing, Cool Boy and I engage in this little dance, though it’s not as fun as it sounds. It goes like this:

Cool Dad: Noah, try to go pee-pee before we leave.
Cool Boy: I don’t have to!
CD: You need to try. When we go somewhere, you need to try because we don’t want to be stuck in the (car/subway/bus) and then you have to go pee.
CB: I don’t have to!
CD: Noah, we go through this every time. Go try so we can leave! (Insert potential disciplinary action depending on how the day has gone.)
CB: Okay…
(CB drags himself to bathroom. Exits after a minute.)
CB (smiling): I went!!

Relieved, we can finally leave. It may be a game to him, though I’d prefer not to do the dance EVERY time. I guess it’s better than him doing another kind of dance on the bus.

If only I practiced what I preached.

+ + +

The other day, I met a friend at City Bakery on West 18th Street in Manhattan. We indulged in their renowned hot chocolate, which was like drinking a melted Hershey’s bar. It was so rich that we had to get water to wash down the cocoa coating forming in our throats.

After an hour of talking about the finer points of music, we finished. I hesitated at the door but instead shook it off and marched out into the cold to catch the 45-minute subway ride home.

The commute was pleasant. The train had reached the part of the 6 line that was above ground, so the sun poured in through surprisingly clean windows. I looked up from my book, What the Dog Saw by Malcolm Gladwell, to see that I was alone in the car. This was a rare occurrence for the middle of the day, but it was Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, so I figured that many of the usual riders were relaxing at home on their day off.

And then I realized that I had to go – not go anywhere in particular, but just go. I should’ve listened to my instinct at the door of City Bakery. I should’ve heeded my own fatherly warnings of not getting stuck in a subway, doing a dance. I stood up to mitigate the pressure and asserted myself that I would be home in another 10 minutes.

Of course, it’s never that easy when it comes to matters of the toilet (or lack of). The train stopped at the Elder Avenue station and opened its doors to let in a rush of cold air and no passengers. The doors shut, but we didn’t move. After a minute, a recorded voice announced that we were being held for “train traffic ahead of us.” I had a sinking feeling, which inconveniently landed on top of my bladder.

The train finally lurched ahead to my assurance but also to my agony. Motion was the last thing I needed, but it didn’t last for long. This time, the train stopped between stations and sat. I started weighing my options. I thought about getting off at the next stop and running to the closest Starbucks. Sadly, Google Maps reported that it was over 20 blocks away. I scanned the neighborhood for other places that might accomodate me, but I couldn’t be sure about them. There were markets and drugstores, which could very well have closed their restroom doors to the public.

+ + +

Ever since I saw a YouTube video of pranksters going number one on the subway, I’ve become attentive of where I sit. I look for any telltale signs: accumulations of liquid on the floor, suspect-looking dried “water spots” on the seat, the unmistakable smell.

I condemned those mass transit befoulers for their lack of decency and conscience. Now, I was considering joining their kind. The conditions for it were ripe:

1. My train car was empty, which is the primary factor when it comes to peeing on the subway. No witnesses, no snitches.

2. Next, I checked the adjacent cars. Both the ones in front of and behind mine were clear.

3. Scanning around the car, I didn’t see anything that looked like a security camera. There are security cameras in the stations, but I’d never heard of cameras on the trains themselves.

4. Continuing to check my surroundings, I found more encouragement: A Dunkin’ Donuts coffee cup.

But it was on the small side. Why oh why couldn’t they have gotten the extra large Coolatta instead?! And don’t think that I didn’t notice the door next to the coffee cup. What was that stain?

+ + +

As all of this was running through my mind, the train moved again. Another station, then another delay. Things were getting painful, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it to all of the people, my fellow New Yorkers, who would eventually board this train.

So, I did whatever I could to distract myself. I cranked the dulcet harmonies of Eisley in my headphones. I closed my eyes and imagined happier places, like our cozy apartment with a freshly cleaned bathroom smelling of bleach, or a shaded forest with plenty of obstructed sight lines. I prayed. I was determined to not pee on the subway. And the train started again.

When we finally got to the stop closest to the Starbucks, I stayed on the train. I just didn’t want to move. Thankfully, we went through the last stops unimpeded. I got off at my stop and stumbled home as fast as I could while maintaining bladder integrity. Running would’ve been too much jostling, so I walked with my feet slightly apart more than usual, as if traversing one of those tire courses that football players high-step through.

The sidewalk seemed to stretch away from me, prolonging the walk. As I’m sure some heroic figure has said at some point in history: I didn’t come all this way just to wet my pants in front of my neighbors! By the grace of God, I made it home.

I hope you’ll learn from my harrowing experience. Listen to your body, even its most subtle hints. Make it a habit to try to go before every outing. And maybe carry an extra large Coolatta cup around with you, just in case.

Someone messed with my butt on the subway

Food Highlight Distribution Balance: A Weird Habit

Cool Dad — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 15:15:21 +0000

I just poured a helping a Target Chocolate Cranberry Crunch and smiled to see the milk chocolate-covered cranberries tumble out into the cup. Then I put a few of them–just the cranberries, not any of the other components of the trail mix–back into the bag.

Why would I take the effort to reduce the potential enjoyment of this cup of delights? Because I wanted to make sure there would be enough chocolate cranberries for the next time I have a snack. And I’ll continue to follow this ritual (if too many cranberries tumble out) until the bag is empty.

I don’t know when I picked up this habit, but I’m sure it started with breakfast cereal. I was disappointed by a number of marshmallowless bowls of Lucky Charms toward the bottom of the box, so I started making sure that the “highlights” of the cereal were evenly distributed. Recently, I’ve employed the tactic with bowls of Special K Red Berries, giving a few dehydrated strawberries a one- or two-day reprieve.

You could call it responsible snacking, deferring a percentage of immediate gratification to ensure future enjoyment. Or you could just call it weird.

Do you do this?

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Is Planking Cool?

Cool Dad — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 13:28:26 +0000

To be honest, I was hoping that it would just go away. I guess that reveals how I feel about planking. You know what I’m talking about, right? Lying face down in an unusual place (which I guess is most everywhere other than a bed) and taking a picture.

Now that The Times has covered planking and how celebrities have gotten into the act, that’s confirmation that it’s gone full mainstream. But strangely, I don’t feel like something that multitudes of people like to do, even celebs, is cool.

It’s not because of any potential embarrassment. I post embarrassing things about myself on here all the time. And it’s not because it seems pointless. Exhibit A: this post. Something in my gut is just not a fan.

I’m certainly not judging others. How can I think that others shouldn’t plank without seeing the plank in my own eye? I’ve played a part in my share of fads, including tight rolling, fauxhawks, and post-secondary education.

Don’t count Cool Mum as a fan of the plank, either: “Planking? What is it? Internet joke? I don’t know much about it. I’m not that interested.”

What do you think about planking? Have you planked?

photo: aimee daniells

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Shedding Light on the Lies of Daylight Savings Time

Cool Dad — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 16:52:15 +0000

We were lied to this weekend, by everyone – friends, colleagues, the media. Turn your clock back tonight, they said. Enjoy an extra hour of sleep!, they touted.

While most everyone “fell back” and had a bonus snooze after their wild Daylight Savings Time-themed raves and masquerade balls, we were more sleepless than ever. That’s what happens when you have kids who are physiologically conditioned to wake up at a certain time, say 4:00am.

Do you think Cool Newbie cares about supposed societal policies to conserve energy, maximize harvest times, and make people too early to church? His sweet li’l baby nervous system wakes him up at a precise point of time every morning, and it doesn’t care if it’s 4:00am EDT, or 3:00am EST.

Hearing this news of extra sleep was just cruel – a turn of events so sinister that it can’t be coincidental. And I know exactly who to blame: Corporations!

Every autumn, the “fall back, sleep more” agenda infiltrates the media, and I’m positive that it’s a cadre of evil CEOs behind it all. I have it on good authority that the ruthless villains are cronies in the bedding industry: mattress makers, boxspring sellers, duvet designers, etc.

They convince the public to sleep an extra hour because they want us to wear out our bedding items, pushing us that much closer to buying new ones. Yeah, an extra hour a year doesn’t sound like much, but after 24 years, that’s a whole extra day of wear and tear on that down comforter! (Bed Bath & Bamboozle is more like it.)

For any sticks in the mud (rational thinkers) saying that “spring forward” balances it all out, I disagree. Losing that hour of sleep means that you’re literally dragging yourself out of bed, creating extra friction and wear. Evil but brilliant.

It might be something in the water, but I must protest! I’m not gonna stand for it anymore, so it’s time to sit. Daylight Savings Time, consider yourself OCCUPIED.

… so, now what?

The Time I Was an Uncool Sweater

Whew! The Best Last-Minute Halloween Costumes Ever

Cool Dad — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 12:30:19 +0000

It’s going to be a weekend full of trick-or-treating and Halloween parties. Wait, you don’t have a costume yet? No judging here – we’re last-minute people, too, which is why we’re here to totally save your Halloween cred.

While your friends overlap their costume ideas, you can breeze in knowing that you’ll be a one-of-a-kind! Of course, I’m saying that you should dress up as your 10th or 20th-favorite bloggers: Cool Dad and/or Cool Mum! Us!

The components of the costumes are affordable, easy to find, and, unlike that bulbous white Angry Bird costume that shoots an egg out of the backside, able to be worn throughout the year without fear of job loss or arrest.

Here are what Cool Mum calls our “uniforms,” what you’ll find us wearing on a typical day.

2011 Cool Mum Halloween Costume

2011 Cool Dad Halloween Costume

For extra points, you can add our respective purses – perfect for carrying your candy!

So, there’s your Halloween costume. You’re welcome!

(But if you REALLY wanna go the extra mile for your Cool Fam cotumes, dress up as one of the Cool Boys.)

Dear Instagram: I Look Forward to You Making Me a Millionaire

Cool Dad — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 11:42:19 +0000

Several friends have approached me with great ideas for mobile apps to develop together–apps that would meet unrealized needs in people’s lives and earn us a cool million dollars or so in the process. Our surefire plans for financial stability are often impeded by our collective lack of knowledge in the fields of software development and graphic design for mobile devices.

However, I may finally have an idea that will bring the fortune that would buy all of the cool points I want. First, some background:

As technology and culture barrel forward, there exists the need for humans to look back and appreciate where we came from. Nostalgia is powerful, as can be seen by the resurgence of 1950s fashion (Mad Men) and caveman sensibilities (Charlie Sheen). We pick the choicest parts of yesteryear and adopt them into our lives.

This may explain the massive popularity of Instagram, the service that enables users to take vintage-style photos (like the classic look in the urban landscape above) with their iPhones and share them on Facebook, Twitter, or Flickr. The service recently surpassed 4.25 million users.

Well, I’ve come up with five brand new photo styles, or filters, that I’m confident that Instagram would love to purchase from me at great cost. I’ve calculated that these filters will add at least 38% more sentimentality to Instagram users.

Consider this photo of the Cool Boys in Central Park.

The photo is cute, but my new filters could make it timeless. Let’s see how my ideas can add some old school to our picture.

The Heirloom Filter recreates the look of a vintage camera that’s been knocking around in the back of the family station wagon.

The Dial-Up Filter recalls the days of dial-up, when someone could interrupt your precious download by simply picking up the phone.

The Waxylens Filter helps you relive the childhood excitement of having Dad’s new camera in one hand and a couple of crayons in the other.

The New Snapper Filter brings back the feeling of getting a new camera, along with your family’s frustration while you figured out how to use it.

The Attachment Filter hearkens back to ye olden times when email clients frequently mishandled image attachments.

I know, I know… this concept is a surefire winner, and you’d love to take part. Well, if you’re a talented designer or developer, let’s talk! Of course, I don’t have any money to give and you won’t get paid, but you will have something for your portfolio.

Who’s in?

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The Time I Was an Uncool Sweater

Cool Dad — Mon, 23 May 2011 14:14:37 +0000

The Cool Grand’rents won a stay at Disney World, so we’ve been in Florida to celebrate Cool Baby’s upcoming 4th birthday. Weather-wise, we’re thankful that a) we escaped a cold, rainy week in NYC b) Florida hasn’t been as sweltering as we had feared.

Still, the Sunshine State sun beat down hard on us as we strolled the parks the last few days. We applied sunscreen early and often, which reminds me of a silly story that CM jokes about every time I put the stuff on:

My friends Josh and Elizabeth were leaving Gainesville, and I offered to help them move out. It was a hot day, so CM advised me to guard against the sun. I put on sunscreen and got to the semi-heavy lifting.

As expected, it was hardy, sweaty work. I ducked into the bathroom to clean up a little, and I noticed that I wasn’t just perspiring, I was sweating milk. First of all: ew. Second, the amount of sunscreen I had on must have amounted to SPF 8,000.

I made myself presentable and went to explain my whitewashed appearance to my friends. We had a good laugh, and a relieved Elizabeth explained, “That’s good to hear. I was afraid you were losing electrolytes!”

It would be scary and kind of cool if I lost electrolytes like that. A lucrative career as a Gatorade test subject might be in my future. Alas, the only thing I got out of the episode was a lesson in sunscreen application and an uncool blog post.

Shedding Light on the Lies of Daylight Savings Time