One of the Cool Uncles pointed us to what Gizmodo proposes might be The Most Depressing Toy Ever. It’s the Young Explorer by Little Tikes, and it’s a kiddie office cubicle made of plastic, complete with built-in computer and 19-inch monitor. This is the premiere way to prepare your little one for a life of second-guessing that sociology degree.
The Young Explorer can be yours, shipped to your home or childcare facility for a mere $2700. Think of the freedom you would gain as a parent! Your jam-packed days can be simplified to this:
- Little One drags himself to the Young Explorer by 9:00am. Plops down and checks his news and sports websites, because keeping up on current events will help him do his job better, right? Then it’s time to work.
- Fifteen-minute lunch and then back to the grind with mandatory potty breaks every two hours, of course. Don’t want to have an accident at work!
- Puts his clock-reading skills to use, counting down until 5:00pm. You pop in saying that you’re going to need him to stay late, thus buying you another free hour to make dinner.
- When he finally gets off the Young Explorer, it’s time for dinner, and then he’s exhausted. Straight to bed for our little worker!
Honestly, I’d like to spare Cool Baby a cubicle-based existence if possible. I want him to pursue his passions creatively and wisely, but I’m not sure what I want him to be. If it were my choice, I would consider the possibilities and narrow down from there:
- Musician? NO – low odds of making it, too much travel.
- Writer? NO – need kind of a weird, lonely streak, at least for certain stretches of time.
- Systems analyst? NO – we’re trying to keep him out of the cubicle, remember?
- Doctor? NO – the healthcare industry, especially insurance, seems like a big mess.
- Professional athlete? YES! but with a specific sport: baseball. I’m not a baseball fan, but the overprotective dad in me likes the infrequent violent contact and the lucrative contracts. You’re probably thinking, “But he gets a ball thrown at his head at 90mph like 10 times a game!” I’ve got that figured out with a special uniform that I’ll make him:
I call it Over Armour. What do you think? I think that Cool Baby would be great as a well-paid, ironclad Major League baseball player. I should work some air conditioning inside the steel sports outfit, too. And stealing second might be a bit tough. Anyway, I’ll have it all settled by Opening Day 2030.
What would you like your kiddie to be when (s)he grows up?