On the 6 train that I take to work, it gets crowded. Every morning, two cars’ worth of people waiting on the platform try to jam into an already stuffed car. One ad proudly proclaims that another subway line is opening up on the Upper East Side to alleviate crowding. In 2015.

When we’re all packed face-to-face, it’s definitely no good when someone squeezes in with a bulky purse or laptop bag slung on their shoulder. A backpack will just get ya yelled at.

The other day I was innocently standing in the aisle when a dude filled in behind me. Annoyingly, dude was wearing a laptop bag and when he adjusted it on his back, it pressed firmly against my derrière. If it was just a momentary tush push, I would’ve been OK with that. However, he was clueless or just didn’t care that he was assaulting my rear guard.

If this train were crowded, Guy in Polo might get arsesaulted

I’m normally calm when it comes to rudeness on the subway. People are just too cramped and irritated to risk a confrontation. But I just had to get back at this guy in my own weird way.

One paranoia of mine is someone robbing me on a crowded train. So with his bag slammed against my tookus, I started erratically flexing my gluteus maximus to give the impression that someone was tinkering with his precious leather case. I figured that he would panic and whip around only to see the backs of innocent everyday commuters. What he wouldn’t see would be my sly grin as I exacted my mind-bending revenge.

Sadly, he soon got off the train with no freakout. I’d like to think that his mind actually was messed with and that he just didn’t want to risk making a scene. Maybe he did learn the lesson of leaving butts alone, always a wise moral to live by.

Either way, I got yet another ridiculous post out of the experience and a quick bum-toning workout to boot!

photo: ceegee-ceegee

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